“doomsday” — when you stay even though you already know how it ends

!!! a small warning before you read: this post touches on toxic relationships, emotional abuse, depression, heartbreak, and death/funeral metaphors.

“doomsday” feels like emotionally packing your bags for a breakup that hasn’t happened yet–but you already know it’s coming. Lizzy McAlpine captures that strange in-between space of staying in something toxic while mentally preparing for the ending, like you’re both inside the relationship and already grieving it at the same time. It’s quiet, calculated heartbreak–the kind where love doesn’t disappear all at once, it just slowly turns into this scary inevitability. 

five seconds flat Album Art  I  Copyright: Harbour Artists & Music

doomsday

Artist:  Lizzy McAlpine

Album:  five seconds flat

Year:  2022

Lizzy McAlpine describes this track as a departure from a toxic relationship with a narcissistic partner. In an interview with Atwood Magazine, she explains, “This song is about being in a relationship that is so toxic that you know it’s doomed, and preparing yourself for that eventuality. It’s heavy in funeral metaphors, because heartbreak to me is like a death. In the song lyrics I use a lot of funeral imagery and metaphors, because to me, heartbreak is like a small death (petit mort), especially when it’s your first love. When he broke up with me, I would actually feel like I was dying.” 

Oh, the way she puts it into words feels a little too close to home..

https://youtu.be/GFumHG4Wt1g?si=jTgYZYV5ZFWdV1Hb

doomsday - Lizzy McAlpine Music Video  I  Lizzy McAlpine on YouTube

Lizzy McAlpine via Instagram

Verse 1

Pull the plug in September

I don't wanna die in June

I’d like to start planning my funeral

I've got work to do, mmm

Lizzy once said in an Instagram story that the first two lines were inspired by a TikTok about not wanting to come back as a Gemini in your next life… and honestly? same lol.

But when I first listened to the song and I heard those opening lines, I immediately knew this was going to wreck me. Those first two lines just knew me. That feeling of being in a relationship you already know is doomed, while still trying (and failing) to have any control over when it ends..

Verse 1 (cont’d)

Pull the plug, make it painless

I don't want a violent end

Don’t say that you'll always love me

'Cause you know I'd bleed myself dry for you

Over and over again

Oh, this feeling that I know all too well.. that bargaining because you have no control over when or how these breakups might happen, but you’re still willing to go through it anyway–again and again–all for love. all for them.

And that “over and over again”? Damn.. I always interpreted it as the cycle of losing control and still choosing to stay in it, like this push-and-pull of hope and denial that comes with on-and-off relationships. It’s that loop of where you already know how it ends, but you still replay it like maybe this time it’ll be different.

Chorus

Doomsday is close at hand

I'll book the marching band

To play as you speak

I'll feel like throwin' up

You'll sit and stare

Like a goddamn machine

When you know the doom is near, you start preparing–but how do you really prepare for the end of something? It’s the same with a breakup.. or a funeral used as metaphor in the song.. how can you prepare for losing something, or someone, that you were once genuinely happy with?

And that narcissistic trait we often encounter when we’re broken up with–feeling like you’re about to throw up, crying your eyes out, while they just sit and stare like a goddamn machine. How can someone who once claimed they love you so much just watch you suffer like that? But I guess that’s how breakups go sometimes..

In the MV, we also see that the guy already has someone new. He’s laughing, moving on, acting carefree with the new girl, which kind of answers our question of how someone can watch you fall apart like that.. because they’re already onto the next! It just reinforces that narcissistic trait, honestly lol.

Chorus (cont’d)

I’d like to plan out my part in this

But you’re such a narcissist

You'll probably do it next week

I don’t get a choice in the matter

Why would I? It's only the death of me

Only the death of me 

Again, it circles back to that bargaining–her lack of agency in the ending of the relationship, and the way she tries to regain some sense of control by offering to “book the marching band” and “plan the funeral.” But with someone like that (..a narcissist!), they really are the ones deciding when and how the breakup will happen. Like they’re in control of the timing of your “ending.”

And there’s this almost sarcastic acceptance that comes with it–like, yeah.. why would I even get a choice in the matter? Why would I? It’s only the death of me. Something they don’t even seem to care about.

Breakups have this way of revealing how selfish people can be, and that’s one of the most painful parts of it. You loved this person, and this is who they become in the face of the end..

Verse 2 (excerpt)

I think there's good in you somеwhere

I’ll hang on 'til the chaos is through 

Oh, that universal feeling! That feeling of wanting to believe there’s still something good in them somewhere, even when deep down you already know there isn’t. But you still try to convince yourself anyway, desperately holding onto the idea that maybe this is just a phase..

Which ties into the next line–of sticking it through and.. waiting. But in the song, we hear the sound of bones suddenly cracking, and I interpreted that as her optimism (though some self-righteous people might call it delusion) finally collapsing under the weight of it all. As if believing in them for too long is what ultimately breaks her.. 

Bridge

The death of me was so quiet

No friends and family allowed

Only my murderer, you, and the priest

Who told you to go to Hell

That death being so quiet–no friends and family allowed–really captures how breakups like this go.. You go through it alone. Narcissists especially tend to isolate you from the people you love, so when it all ends.. who do you have left but them? (ask me how I know lol).

And then there’s that internal conflict of knowing deep down he’s not good for you and to you throughout the relationship, especially during the breakup, but still not involving friends and family because you’re holding onto this hope that you don’t want them to hate him.. because maybe he’ll change!

And the next line, where Lizzy separates “you” from “my murderer,” is just lyrical genius to me. It perfectly encapsulates that denial that comes with love–where even though you’re aware of the pain your ex caused, you still view him as separate from the person who ended the relationship, the one who “killed” you.

Chorus 3 (excerpt)

I'd have liked to plan out my part in this

But you're such a narcissist

That you did it on Halloween 

I love how throughout the first two choruses, she keeps assuming he’ll do it “next week.” And then here, he finally does it–and of all days, it’s on Halloween. She had already begged and bargained for him to wait from June to September in Verse 1, but he drags it all the way to October. It really highlights that stretch of time where you’re in a relationship you know is doomed, but you still don’t want to be the one to pull the plug. So you wait..

And also Lizzy’s tweet about Halloween and her ex? Haha! He really was a walking red flag!

---

Favorite !

And the funny thing is I would've married you

If you'd have stuck around

I feel more free than I have in years

Six feet in the ground 

I remember when this part would come on, I would scream it at the top of my lungs. I felt it to my core–that feeling of yes, they’re not good for you, but you’d still marry them anyway because you love them that much.

But then there’s also that conflicting awareness, that strange juxtaposition of knowing you love them deeply and knowing the end would kill you.. and then when the end actually happens and it does kill you, you eventually find something else underneath it: relief. That relief of being free from them.

This is why I love this part–it captures that messy middle ground between heartbreak and liberation, where love really does end in pain, but there’s also clarity on the other side.

Still from the "doomsday" Music Video  I  Promonews

This was such a perfectly timed release for me because that year, I was deep in depression about everything! My relationship and just.. life! It kind of found me at a time when everything felt like it was quietly falling apart, and I didn’t really have the words for it yet. 

Through this song, Lizzy captured what it feels like to be stuck in an unhealthy relationship–helpless at the hands of another person, while also mentally preparing yourself for the heartbreak you already know is coming. She frames it through “doomsday”, and compares that emotional buildup to anticipating one's death.

It sits with the inevitability of death and its acceptance as part of life, and somehow translates that into emotional endings we don’t feel ready for but still have to go through. Looking back, I think it reminded me that even the most painful “doomsday” moments eventually pass, and what’s left isn’t just what broke–but also that we survived and learned to move forward. 

D.

Stream it here: SPOTIFY I APPLE MUSIC I YOUTUBE